Over the last few weeks I was asked two questions that keep getting played over and over in my head, and today, those questions have been on replay.
Question #1
"How are you going to make sure Jocelyn is part of your life and not your total life?"
Question #2
"How does Jocelyn fit into you and your husband's life?"
I'm not sure what your reaction to these questions would be, and to be honest, I don't recall how I responded either. These two questions were asked by two different people in totally different settings, but yet I think the questions are quite similar in nature.
When I was asked these questions I remember thinking "hmmm, thats a weird question to ask" and then blew it off. I can't help but wonder if Jocelyn didn't have so many special needs, would these even be questions a person would ask me? I have to say, I think not!
For all you parents out there, even those with children grown and gone, have you ever been asked something like this? I don't understand why people think they can treat Jocelyn, and us as a family, so differently just because Jocelyn has cerebral palsy and developmental delays.
Why would someone even ask how Jocelyn would fit into our lives? She's our child and "fits" into our lives just like any other parent/child relationship. Furthermore, I don't know of any parent that doesn't make their child(ren) their life. Don't get me wrong, I personally know of some people that can wash their hands clean of their children and appear like they never had them in the first place, but true loving, caring parents are all about their kids. I think when you become a parent, its a natural calling to give your best for your child.
From the wonderful mothers I know, we all go without so our kids can have, we eat late or our food is cold because we are busy attending to our kids and family, we go without sleep endlessly sometimes because when a child is in the early stages they need a bottle, or when they get older its because they can't sleep, are crying or are sick. We've all done it, and in some form of another, we are all still doing it. Its called love and sacrifice!!! I don't think a parent ever stops "giving" to their child. I think the way a parent gives and cares for their child just changes over time, but it never stops. So why is it that just because my daughter isn't progressing as quickly and is staying in certain developmental stages longer, makes things worse and like I'm not doing a good job of "balancing life." For that matter, why is it anyone's business if my husband and I want our life to be all about our daughter and us as a family? Since when is caring about your family a bad thing? If we want to live and breath for Jocelyn and we are HAPPY with that, why does anyone care? I just don't understand how we couldn't make our lives about Jocelyn. Justin and I both believe children are a parents legacy and not something you take lightly.
Justin made a comment a while back that has been embedded into my heart and mind. With this comment, his perception on life and us as a family, has only made me fall that much more in love with him. What he said was "I love being around you and Jocelyn. I could only hope that I can spend my entire life with you both. If I get to spend my days with Boogie loving on her, hearing her laugh and enjoying one another? Then that is all I ever need and I could think of a million 'worse' things in this life than getting to take care of our daughter all my life." Yes, THAT is the kind of MAN I have for a husband. A man that sees it as a privilege to care for his daughter all his life if for some reason she would prove to need that kind of care.
Maybe those two questions that were asked, were asked out of concern or love, but I just find it hard to believe that a person would think it is okay to ask questions like these. I have never looked at a parent and thought such things and therefore, I have to believe its because our daughter has special needs. So what, she has "special needs" oooOOOOooooOOO, that isn't what defines her as a person, or us as a family. Yes, Jocelyn's motor issues, development issues and sometimes plain 'ol health issues come with there own set of rules and more often than not, these things do end up setting us apart from other families. However, the fundamentals of being parents is the exact same, but we just do things a little different.
Do I get exhausted? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Hell Yes! Do I get sad, or angry and think things are unfair? Most definitely. But I think every person, whether you're a parent or not, experiences those same feelings and frustrations about life in general. No matter if my feelings are in a positive or negative state, because "feelings" can change at a drop of a hat, I will not apologize for how we choose to live our life as a family. I feel no need to justify how Jocelyn "fits" into our family or how well we are balancing our life from another persons perspective. I don't make it my business to tell people how to live, and I don't appreciate others that think they have the authority to dictate how we live ours.
That is kind of an odd question to ask someone. Like, how do you work that into a conversation?! haha
ReplyDeleteI guess maybe I could see why they are asking just because they know you give 100% and will do anything and everything for your baby. And some other people might make that the ONLY thing they ever do. But with you, that is obviously not the case at all. Just from reading your blog or being your friend on Facebook, I can tell you have hobbies (more than me for sure!) and take time to care for yourself. You go on runs and made a point to go out with Justin (even if the food sucked...ha). You just change your priorities and include Jocelyn in the activities you love, too. That is what all of us parents do. (Although I really do LOVE the nights when I can leave the kids at home.) :)
I am really hoping they were asking those questions out of love and concern for you and just worded it very badly... ? Because really, sometimes you have to work to make any child "fit" into your family. Whiny toddlers and screaming babies don't make the best dinner companions either. ;)
Angie, I know I have talked to you about those questions in different forms, maybe not the same wording but yet the same questions.
ReplyDeleteYou know that I worry about you as my daughter being exhausted, and it is not because of Jocelyn’s special needs but because you are alone with her so much that I worry about you wearing out. I know that Justin is a wonderful father, husband and provider, but his job does require a lot of his attention and time, just like dads did with me. However, I could tell you guys to go out and play so I could have a breather. Jocelyn is just a baby, and requires a lot of your time, so it is harder for you to have that time off to catch your breath.
I want to be there to help you more yet there is the distance (driving) between us.
I remember when you were buying your home how you wanted a home with wide halls and a ranch style so there were no stairs to climb, (personally that what I would want as well but it’s because I’m old and have bad knees…lol) I know that you did this because of Jocelyn’s special needs, because you were looking out for her even in her future.
When I have talked to you about your future it has not been because of the reasons you have talked about in your blog, but because I know that your path will be different than someone who does not have a special needs child, loving aside, Jocelyn will need more of your and Justin’s time. And I am so proud that I have a daughter and son that are willing to give my Grand-daughter everything that she needs, and more. Yet you don’t even think twice about it, it is normal for you because you have made it normal, you will not let people put Jocelyn into a category, and I am so proud of you for that.
I can only pray that when these questions were asked of you, that the person (s) asking cared for you, Justin and Jocelyn and meant it to be a loving caring question, and taken as such.
Please kiss Jocelyn for me….she is blessed to have an amazing mother, and I am blessed to have such an amazing daughter
I love you,
Mom
Both you guys are very right with what you say. I would think that is what these two people meant when they asked me these questions. And yea Vanessa, its strange how you can squeeze in a question like those. :P
ReplyDeleteRest assured mom, the two people I am talking about in this blog were not family members or even close friends. These people were more of acquaintances which made it a little more difficult to assume they had our best interest in mind, but I'm going to think they did.
I'm sure people have thought this about us or others, or like Vanessa put it, even with their own kids. Just like an individual person, a family and its dynamics are always changing and shifting, and that’s what we will continue to do no matter what is swung our way.
And you are right mom, Jocelyn will need more support in every way and some days it does take its toll and others we deal and push forward. Justin told me one time "I almost feel lucky that we get to keep our daughter young for longer than most." Thankfully he's always looking for the good in our situation and it seems to somehow always come at the most needed time.
We are lucky to have you as a friend Vanessa and damn lucky to have you mom!