A Dream of Divine Intervention

This morning while Jocelyn was eating breakfast and gettin' down to some Sesame Street tunes, and Justin was in the livingroom attempting to tidy up some loose-ends at work, I decided to take a look at a book called Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman and Ellen Vaughn.

This particular book was mailed to me by a very sweet friend and past co-worker, her name is Sue, probably about a year ago as she thought this book would help keep me encouraged. This friend that often times doesn't say much with her words but speak volumes with her eyes and actions, has had more than her fair share of struggles in this life. I know that she has been through more difficult times than she will probably ever share with me or others, but I know this is true for her because of her outlook on life, her wisdom and compassion. Even just today she told me, "Getting through the first emotion of pain to see the gift God's provided, and to receive the other emotions, is the key to love."

To be honest, I'm not sure if I simply misplaced this book, or purposefully avoided reading it for the mere fact that it is hard to dive into someone else's pain and experience their personal struggles and sorrow. My first impression of the book proved to be true. I simply read the dedications, forward, prologue and the first chapter, and I both smiled and cried twice. I have to ask myself, "What am I about to get myself into?"

In the little that I read this morning, a portion of the content concerned itself with a special dream that a friend of the author experienced one night. As I continued to read about this dream and how the end results manifested, one particular dream that I had over two years ago...one very special dream...came to my mind.

During some of the darkest days that I have experienced, I had a dream that caused me to wake up to the sound of my own laughter and tears. Man, as I write this sentence my eyes are starting to sting with tears as I both remember those dark days and because the dream remains just as vivid.

When I had this dream, Justin and I were spending endless nights in the Ronald McDonald House directly across from the Wesley Medical Center where our babygirl constantly fought for her life. I would spend countless hours simply staring at her through the glass of the incubator and all I could do was read to her, sing and talk to her and eagerly await for the next three hours to roll around so I could reach my hands inside to change her diaper, turn her over...just touch her. I would plead and beg for God to take the pain away, give it me, please God PLEASE heal her, protect her...DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME???

I can tell the pain of those days are still so fresh for me as tears are definitely freely flowing now and my heart has that feeling like someone is cranking on it with a vice-grip. But I want to tell you about this dream during a time of such desperation.

We were already told that Jocelyn had massive brain bleeds, that her quality of life would be nothing short of terrible and that we should consider "letting her go." I remember it was like Justin and I never even heard what they were saying or at least we definitely weren't processing any of it. I don't remember how many nights I cried myself to sleep and yet at times there were no tears left. One night in particular I was thoroughly exhausted and fell asleep the second my head touched the pillow. During my dream I was watching Jocelyn in her incubator while the staff bustled around the NICU like they so often did. I didn't talk to anyone...didn't say anything at all...it was like no one knew I was secretly standing there watching. It was like I had tunnel vision, a direct visual shot right to my baby, and then everything went quiet and I could suddenly only hear her. In my dream I remember thinking "why can I hear her? She's just baby...is that really her." I remember slightly opening my mouth to say a silent, breathy "awwww" in amazement as I saw my baby girl jumping up and down in a what looked like a mini Jenny Jump-Up and laughing. The laughter was that of an angel and unlike anything I had ever experienced in my entire life. It was the single most beautiful thing I had ever heard. She was pushing like mad with her legs and bouncing off the sides of the incubator which only fueled her laughter more. She wasn't in any pain, had no fear, there wasn't anything "wrong," she wasn't "different." In that moment she was carefree, genuinely happy and wanted to be here. It felt like I was standing there watching her for hours taking mental snap-shots for future reference. I just couldn't seem to look away from what was for me, a majestic sight. My own personal excitement during the dream eventually ripped me awake, but in that brief moment of when you are half asleep and half awake, I felt nothing but peace, love and affirmation.

When I began to truly wake up, those peaceful feelings quickly turned into what reality had set before me. However, I knew then what was true...what was real...and continually clung to it. Jocelyn was meant to be here with us and we would not be letting her go. It was like God was telling me, "I plan to bless you endlessly with her beautiful laughter and spirit...this is my gift to you my daughter." I cry now even typing this because I knew then, and I know now, that is EXACTLY what God told me and He gave me His promise. We have had more scary times in nearly two and half years than I would ever wish on anyone, but His promise remains true as EVERY.SINGLE.DAY I am showered with endless smiles and giggles. So maybe Jocelyn isn't bouncing around in some contraption or off the walls, but so what, she's with us, is happy, healthy and ours.

I agree with Mary Beth Chapman when she wrote, "...it's in the most unlikey times and places of hurt and chaos that God gives us a profound sense of His presence and the real light of His hope in the dark places" and that I can only find them if I choose to SEE!!!