Do you remember that movie?
The Green Mile
... from 1999? (Yes, its been that long ago!)
The one with Tom Hanks and the late Michael Duncan? Who doesn't know that movie? On a side note, I'm still really sad that Michael Duncan passed away back in September of this year. I absolutely loved him in The Green Mile, Armageddon, The Whole Nine Yards and the infamous Talladega Nights!
When flipping through the channels just now, I came across The Green Mile on AMC, and the movie was just at the point where John Coffey went to visit Melinda Moores to heal her of the degenerating brain tumor that was soon to be the cause of her demise.
(I told you I loved his movies)
But as I was watching this scene, something totally unexpected came over me. I started to instantly cry as I thought of Jocelyn and all the brain damage she has sustained in her short few years. I actually was thinking "Why can't something like this be real ... be true ... and happen for us?" I might have simultaneously been having a nervous breakdown? (This is however also the most appropriate time of the month for me to be extremely hormonal :|)
I would do anything ... ANYTHING ... for my own "John Coffey" to come along and heal my precious babygirl. If there was such a person that could suck that permanent brain damage from her small, little body and then cough it out into the never ending abyss ... I would pay any price! My own life in fact!
If I had that kind of magical power I would've made sure it was done the second we knew about her brain bleeds.
Cerebral palsy is not a condition that can be "healed" ... only the after-effects can be treated. I use the word "treated" loosely at times because it often feels like your chasing your own tail or seeing how "good" you are at preventing or "catching things" before they get worse.
We all want our miracle don't we?
Tonight, more than anything I have ever desired with my whole being, I wish my sweet daughter could be "healed."
I used to pray so hard for healing, when I was a kid. As an adult, I thought about writing a book about my experiences titled "Why Me Lord?" Instead, I started my blog.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW in my heart of hearts that God allowed me to be this way for a reason. I am supposed to be just the way I am.
Maybe one of those reasons was so I could meet you and Boogie??
You never know who Jocie will influence in her life, and it remains to be seen what she will be able to accomplish. I do know that God loves her more than anyone, and he has allowed you the privilege of parenting this precious soul.
Tina
I Agree with Tina (hi tina!!!) on this one. I don't wish to be healed and I would bet that as J gets older she'll not wish that either. Let her get past the teen years first before you ask her though ;-) That's just rough and that's when I wished it most. But I bet that she'll CP as part of who she is not all of who she is. Because that's how you guys her parents see her now. So that's also what she'll grow up seeing in herself. (on the good days) I wish I drove. I wish that the word was more accepting. I don't wish for healing because with out my CP I would NOT be who I am . I like me!! I've been forced to look hard at my life as I continue on my adoption journey. As I've told you some of my family is so against this they won't speak to me. I'm not put off by this in the least. I'm used to doors being closed in my face. One of the things I value most is doing things others tell me I shouldn't. Correctly and well ... not in a bratty way. My independence is SOOOOOOO important to me. You never know what your sweet girls purpose in her life will be. I think as a parent (as per my mom) it's natural for you to wish her life would be easier, less of a struggle. The unknown is the scariest thing in the WORLD. As yet I can't imagine what the unknown is like when one is wondering about the child they love most in the world
ReplyDeleteBut I can tell you what I see in you and in J just in the short time we've been conversing. First off know this about your daughter she is a fighter and I can see the stubborn in the pics you post!!! It will serve her well. I see a happy inquisitive girl. She will meet all her struggles head on. In you I see a mom who will not allow her daughter to be defined by her disability alone. Who will push her when needed and knows when to step back when needed. All those are things you've learned faster then most because of Joce!! So when you are wishing for Jocelyn to have an easier struggle remember how far you have all come!
Laura