Do you remember that movie?
The Green Mile
... from 1999? (Yes, its been that long ago!)
The one with Tom Hanks and the late Michael Duncan? Who doesn't know that movie? On a side note, I'm still really sad that Michael Duncan passed away back in September of this year. I absolutely loved him in The Green Mile, Armageddon, The Whole Nine Yards and the infamous Talladega Nights!
When flipping through the channels just now, I came across The Green Mile on AMC, and the movie was just at the point where John Coffey went to visit Melinda Moores to heal her of the degenerating brain tumor that was soon to be the cause of her demise.
(I told you I loved his movies)
But as I was watching this scene, something totally unexpected came over me. I started to instantly cry as I thought of Jocelyn and all the brain damage she has sustained in her short few years. I actually was thinking "Why can't something like this be real ... be true ... and happen for us?" I might have simultaneously been having a nervous breakdown? (This is however also the most appropriate time of the month for me to be extremely hormonal :|)
I would do anything ... ANYTHING ... for my own "John Coffey" to come along and heal my precious babygirl. If there was such a person that could suck that permanent brain damage from her small, little body and then cough it out into the never ending abyss ... I would pay any price! My own life in fact!
If I had that kind of magical power I would've made sure it was done the second we knew about her brain bleeds.
Cerebral palsy is not a condition that can be "healed" ... only the after-effects can be treated. I use the word "treated" loosely at times because it often feels like your chasing your own tail or seeing how "good" you are at preventing or "catching things" before they get worse.
We all want our miracle don't we?
Tonight, more than anything I have ever desired with my whole being, I wish my sweet daughter could be "healed."
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Covering Wounds with Blessings
Boogie was mostly wiped yesterday. She spent the majority of the day sleeping and being the sweetest cuddle-bug which daddy thoroughly enjoyed. Out of the two of us, he doesn't get enough cuddle-time.
We found ourselves enjoying every part of her -- right down to her kissable little lips and warm chubby fingers (she even has dimples on her knuckles).
Now that we've had a day or two to decompress, the blessings that have been placed in front of us are more than we ever saw coming!
Not only do we have our smiling, happy little girl back (she's slowly getting there, but this is a fantastic start!) ...
... but we have been flooded ... FLOODED ... with emails, texts, Facebook messages and phone calls from our family and friends that are filled with so much love, sincere prayers and words of encouragement and wisdom.
... its overwhelming!!!
I even had a friend (newly adopted "mom") that I met online through blogging, and she wrote so genuinely about Jocelyn and our family which can been seen HERE. Of course that made me cry as it was totally unexpected. You just don't realize how you can impact a total stranger (which she is no longer a stranger of course). But life is all about people and relationships ... that is what makes a person RICH ... and you guessed it, all of you have made me feel like we are the richest family in the world!
While we were still at Children's Mercy, I called Massage Envy and scheduled a massage for Monday for the hubby and I (separately of course so one of us would still be with Jocie). So yesterday we indulged in our much needed massages (we are actually sore today from them though), but they really did help relieve some of the stress and were worth the money (dang they are expensive :s)!
Also, our friends Brian and Dani came over last night bearing a yummy dinner, smiles, friendship, love and the most creative gift. My friend Dani has a gift for craftiness and she made me/us "The God Box." Hope they don't mind me sharing this, but I thought it was pretty thoughtful and it will be put to use effect immediately!! So what is this you ask? Well see below! :)
As if these things aren't enough, we traveled to Salina today to pick up what I thought was only going to be Jocelyn's new DAFO's (her last ones didn't work out too well so I've been anticipating the new ones). Once we arrived there, we found out that not only did her DAFO's arrive, but so did her KidWalk walker and her Bantam Sit-to-Stand!!! Can we say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I will have to take pictures of her in the new equipment and hopefully they will help make her stronger.
I so badly wanted to stop and see our friends Ashley, the girls at KDOA, our old neighbors and many others; but we sadly didn't have the time or energy. We ended up spending nearly four hours with our therapist fitting Boogies boots, putting together the equipment and adjusting it to fit her body. After all that, we were ready to come home!
Then, when Jocelyn and I pull up to the house, there was a Dillions delivery van sitting in our driveway. I pulled up, got out of our van and start talking to the delivery man. He was the nicest old man ... you know, that sweet-type of grandpa looking man? When I got out of the van I asked him, "Have you been waiting here long?" He replied, "Oh, for about 30 minutes or so, but I kept thinking somebody really needed these today." Talk about making you cry, and especially when you find out he had been sitting in the driveway for so long!!! He ended up delivering the most beautiful flowers and teddybear for Miss Jocelyn from our friends Dan and Kristi. It's no surprise that I cried, I'm such a ball-baby these days and especially lately, but I guess it just doesn't take much right now I suppose. Boogie immediately loved the teddybear and decided it needed a slobbery ear, and the flowers smell amazing! Lillies are even my (and by adoption Jocelyn's) favorite flower! :)
Why am I sharing all this goodness ... these blessings?
Not because I want to brag -- trust me -- I'm just not that kind of person. I figure there are far, far too many negative things in this world, and we seem to run into so many ugly-hearted people, that I wanted to take a minute to share how all of you have helped cover our most recent wounds with the best type of "band-aid" there is -- LOVE!
I can tell that we are already starting to heal, and amazingly fast I might add, but I think that is because all of you have swooped in like our knight-and-shining-armor to ward off the decent of depression, despair and fear. I know we still have fear and that not ever go away completely, and we will never be able to forget what we've experienced, but it will not define our family. We have God and you to thank for holding our hand along this journey!
Not only do we have our smiling, happy little girl back (she's slowly getting there, but this is a fantastic start!) ...
... its overwhelming!!!
I even had a friend (newly adopted "mom") that I met online through blogging, and she wrote so genuinely about Jocelyn and our family which can been seen HERE. Of course that made me cry as it was totally unexpected. You just don't realize how you can impact a total stranger (which she is no longer a stranger of course). But life is all about people and relationships ... that is what makes a person RICH ... and you guessed it, all of you have made me feel like we are the richest family in the world!
While we were still at Children's Mercy, I called Massage Envy and scheduled a massage for Monday for the hubby and I (separately of course so one of us would still be with Jocie). So yesterday we indulged in our much needed massages (we are actually sore today from them though), but they really did help relieve some of the stress and were worth the money (dang they are expensive :s)!
Also, our friends Brian and Dani came over last night bearing a yummy dinner, smiles, friendship, love and the most creative gift. My friend Dani has a gift for craftiness and she made me/us "The God Box." Hope they don't mind me sharing this, but I thought it was pretty thoughtful and it will be put to use effect immediately!! So what is this you ask? Well see below! :)
I so badly wanted to stop and see our friends Ashley, the girls at KDOA, our old neighbors and many others; but we sadly didn't have the time or energy. We ended up spending nearly four hours with our therapist fitting Boogies boots, putting together the equipment and adjusting it to fit her body. After all that, we were ready to come home!
Then, when Jocelyn and I pull up to the house, there was a Dillions delivery van sitting in our driveway. I pulled up, got out of our van and start talking to the delivery man. He was the nicest old man ... you know, that sweet-type of grandpa looking man? When I got out of the van I asked him, "Have you been waiting here long?" He replied, "Oh, for about 30 minutes or so, but I kept thinking somebody really needed these today." Talk about making you cry, and especially when you find out he had been sitting in the driveway for so long!!! He ended up delivering the most beautiful flowers and teddybear for Miss Jocelyn from our friends Dan and Kristi. It's no surprise that I cried, I'm such a ball-baby these days and especially lately, but I guess it just doesn't take much right now I suppose. Boogie immediately loved the teddybear and decided it needed a slobbery ear, and the flowers smell amazing! Lillies are even my (and by adoption Jocelyn's) favorite flower! :)
Not because I want to brag -- trust me -- I'm just not that kind of person. I figure there are far, far too many negative things in this world, and we seem to run into so many ugly-hearted people, that I wanted to take a minute to share how all of you have helped cover our most recent wounds with the best type of "band-aid" there is -- LOVE!
I can tell that we are already starting to heal, and amazingly fast I might add, but I think that is because all of you have swooped in like our knight-and-shining-armor to ward off the decent of depression, despair and fear. I know we still have fear and that not ever go away completely, and we will never be able to forget what we've experienced, but it will not define our family. We have God and you to thank for holding our hand along this journey!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Aren't Things Suppose to be BETTER?
I am having a really hard time being home right now!
Half way on the drive home yesterday from Children's Mercy (in the pouring-I-can't-see-a-thing-rain), it dawned on me that I was about to be right back in the place where Jocelyn had her first of the three seizures ... our living room floor ... were we spend the majority of our time.
As we passed two nasty wrecks along the way with Justin talking about I don't know what, because I couldn't seem to focus, and as Jocelyn was giggling on and off while watching Sesame Street in the back of the van ... I seemed kind of lost in my own thoughts. As I gazed out the window I could feel the anxiety creeping in and my heart progressively started to pound harder and harder. I told myself "It's not going to be a big deal ... don't worry about it" and then the thoughts of "Watch yourself just totally flip out when you get home!" came right afterwards. Sometimes your brain can make you feel like you might be going borderline crazy.
Maybe a little PTSD? Who knows ...
Last night was suppose to be an early night to bed and a morning of sleeping-in but neither happened. I had a hard time falling asleep and then staying asleep because I kept thinking about Jocelyn sleeping alone in her room and there being a chance she could have a seizure and I wouldn't know about it. When she had all three of her seizures, she didn't make not even one little noise, nothing, zilch ... silence! What if she was having one in the middle of night and stopped breathing again and it went on forever? I know it wouldn't go on "forever" but that is what your mind tells you.
As I would lay in bed, or the million times I went into her room last night, I would remind myself that she had the seizures because of the shunt failure. No one really knows that for sure though, and now that she's had them again, she will be even more susceptible. Maybe I'll have a little bit more piece of mind once we get an EEG?
Probably not.
Perhaps I'm having a harder time with this unexpected surprise of events because in the past I am the one that caught her shunt failures before they were "really bad" and even though the last two failures were a surprise, I wasn't totally caught off guard. Not to mention the last shunt failures happened more than two years ago so I'm sure I've started to let my guard down, but who can always live with such hypervigilance?
And not only that, but having your child be on their 4th VP shunt in only 2 1/2 years makes you wonder how many more times she, and we, can go through this? If we keep these types of statistics up, she'll have had 16 shunts by the time she's 10!!!
Maybe it's the fact that the other shunt failures, although terrible and stressful in their own right, weren't as traumatic for me as this one was. With the other failures, I didn't have to watch our daughter's tiny body convulse uncontrollably! I'm even finding myself feeling anxious everytime I feed her since it started during her feeding followed by vomiting.
I know I'm a strong person and "this too shall pass."
Have I ever told you how much I HATE CLICHE SAYINGS! Especially ones like "Everything happens for a reason" or "If God brought you to it, He will see you through it" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Spare me all those annoying cliches that people think will make you feel better but in fact only infuriate you. I know that sometimes people say things like this because it's hard to know what to say in situations like these ... just venting.
But I do know that all of this really will "pass," and that it is normal to feel "on edge" or scared that this nightmare will happen again. It may very well happen again ... these are the cards we've been dealt ... but in this moment, things don't feel any easier. I think that now that I've experienced this horrid world of seizures, I will be more prepared for when and if it happens again.
My heart is hurting which again is unexpected because I've got my smiling, happy girl right next to me. I guess fear is paralyzing me today with thoughts of "you could lose her at anytime" which is trying to rob me of my joy. The Devil can be stronger than we think, but I refuse to let him destroy me ... or us!
He.Will.Not.Win!
Half way on the drive home yesterday from Children's Mercy (in the pouring-I-can't-see-a-thing-rain), it dawned on me that I was about to be right back in the place where Jocelyn had her first of the three seizures ... our living room floor ... were we spend the majority of our time.
As we passed two nasty wrecks along the way with Justin talking about I don't know what, because I couldn't seem to focus, and as Jocelyn was giggling on and off while watching Sesame Street in the back of the van ... I seemed kind of lost in my own thoughts. As I gazed out the window I could feel the anxiety creeping in and my heart progressively started to pound harder and harder. I told myself "It's not going to be a big deal ... don't worry about it" and then the thoughts of "Watch yourself just totally flip out when you get home!" came right afterwards. Sometimes your brain can make you feel like you might be going borderline crazy.
Maybe a little PTSD? Who knows ...
Last night was suppose to be an early night to bed and a morning of sleeping-in but neither happened. I had a hard time falling asleep and then staying asleep because I kept thinking about Jocelyn sleeping alone in her room and there being a chance she could have a seizure and I wouldn't know about it. When she had all three of her seizures, she didn't make not even one little noise, nothing, zilch ... silence! What if she was having one in the middle of night and stopped breathing again and it went on forever? I know it wouldn't go on "forever" but that is what your mind tells you.
As I would lay in bed, or the million times I went into her room last night, I would remind myself that she had the seizures because of the shunt failure. No one really knows that for sure though, and now that she's had them again, she will be even more susceptible. Maybe I'll have a little bit more piece of mind once we get an EEG?
Probably not.
Perhaps I'm having a harder time with this unexpected surprise of events because in the past I am the one that caught her shunt failures before they were "really bad" and even though the last two failures were a surprise, I wasn't totally caught off guard. Not to mention the last shunt failures happened more than two years ago so I'm sure I've started to let my guard down, but who can always live with such hypervigilance?
And not only that, but having your child be on their 4th VP shunt in only 2 1/2 years makes you wonder how many more times she, and we, can go through this? If we keep these types of statistics up, she'll have had 16 shunts by the time she's 10!!!
Maybe it's the fact that the other shunt failures, although terrible and stressful in their own right, weren't as traumatic for me as this one was. With the other failures, I didn't have to watch our daughter's tiny body convulse uncontrollably! I'm even finding myself feeling anxious everytime I feed her since it started during her feeding followed by vomiting.
I know I'm a strong person and "this too shall pass."
Have I ever told you how much I HATE CLICHE SAYINGS! Especially ones like "Everything happens for a reason" or "If God brought you to it, He will see you through it" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Spare me all those annoying cliches that people think will make you feel better but in fact only infuriate you. I know that sometimes people say things like this because it's hard to know what to say in situations like these ... just venting.
But I do know that all of this really will "pass," and that it is normal to feel "on edge" or scared that this nightmare will happen again. It may very well happen again ... these are the cards we've been dealt ... but in this moment, things don't feel any easier. I think that now that I've experienced this horrid world of seizures, I will be more prepared for when and if it happens again.
My heart is hurting which again is unexpected because I've got my smiling, happy girl right next to me. I guess fear is paralyzing me today with thoughts of "you could lose her at anytime" which is trying to rob me of my joy. The Devil can be stronger than we think, but I refuse to let him destroy me ... or us!
He.Will.Not.Win!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
An Update
... from yours truly on 2 Henson! I'm getting to use their computer!! Woohoo!
Yesterday was a fairly good day for little Miss Princess, even though her first night after the surgery was tough with little to no sleep for all three of us. Jocelyn continues to heal and recover well it seems, and for that, I'm beyond grateful. We figure she's thrilled to no longer have a throbbing headache as I'm sure all that extra pressure would make someone feel like their head was going to explode. Poor sweet girl!
And guess what?
Throughout the day yesterday we took naps, played with toys and on the iPad, read lots of books, went for walks on our floor (well, walks and dancing which is Boogies favorite and lets face it ... I'm going to give her what she wants no matter if I look like an idiot or not!).
As night approached, Jocelyn started to get sick and vomited twice which made me a little bit worried that something else might be wrong, but then again, sometimes she vomits for no reason and its really frustrating. We kind of thought that it might be from what she had for supper as she received refried beans and that might have been too filling for her right now, either that, or her ramming her fingers in her mouth and down her throat never helps! Either way, she vomited her supper and then her medicine later. After that fun excitement, she was fighting any type of sleep until almost 11pm. Once we got her down for the night, she slept all night long until we woke her at 8am (this is HUGE for us because that never happens!).
So far, this morning has been going fabulous and guess what else?
Yesterday was a fairly good day for little Miss Princess, even though her first night after the surgery was tough with little to no sleep for all three of us. Jocelyn continues to heal and recover well it seems, and for that, I'm beyond grateful. We figure she's thrilled to no longer have a throbbing headache as I'm sure all that extra pressure would make someone feel like their head was going to explode. Poor sweet girl!
And guess what?
NO MORE SEIZURES!
Throughout the day yesterday we took naps, played with toys and on the iPad, read lots of books, went for walks on our floor (well, walks and dancing which is Boogies favorite and lets face it ... I'm going to give her what she wants no matter if I look like an idiot or not!).
As night approached, Jocelyn started to get sick and vomited twice which made me a little bit worried that something else might be wrong, but then again, sometimes she vomits for no reason and its really frustrating. We kind of thought that it might be from what she had for supper as she received refried beans and that might have been too filling for her right now, either that, or her ramming her fingers in her mouth and down her throat never helps! Either way, she vomited her supper and then her medicine later. After that fun excitement, she was fighting any type of sleep until almost 11pm. Once we got her down for the night, she slept all night long until we woke her at 8am (this is HUGE for us because that never happens!).
So far, this morning has been going fabulous and guess what else?
WE GET TO GO HOME TODAY!!!
We just finished giving Jocelyn her breakfast, waiting on some last minute paperwork and then we should be on our way home!!! Yippee!!!
We will be having more appointments in the future (as expected) to get her stitches removed and to start seeing her neurologist again for an EEG, etc. Hopefully they will say that the seizures were simply because of the increased intracrainal pressure from the shunt failing and that we will not have to be put on medication. Trust me when I say I would give her whatever meds I had to in order for her, and me, not to have to suffer through any more seizures, but I would prefer her to not need them at all.
One thing is for sure -- I am totally loving seeing our little girl smile and play -- its got to be the best sight in the world right now!!!
Here's to heading home and bing healthy!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Unexpected Turn of Events
After about only 2 hours of sleep tonight, I'm sitting here downing typical hospital coffee with a million different thoughts scrambling through my brain.
This has been a day I wish to never go through again!!!
I'm sure its by the grace of God that I got our computer to connect to the Internet right now (seeing how I am sleepless) and able to check my Facebook and blog. I plan to tell you what happened today if I can see through the tears, but first, how did I ever ... EVER ... get so lucky to have each and every one of you in my life. When I opened my Facebook ... ugh ... the hot, stinging tears are just rolling down my face ...
When I opened up Facebook, the amount of genuine love, support, encouragement, prayers, sympathy and empathy for my family and I is overwhelming!!! I literally don't know if I have the words (or thoughts) to express to you the difference you have made in my heart tonight ... this morning ... whatever time it is! I sincerely think I felt every well wish, thought and prayer each of you uplifted for my family today. Make no doubt ... I am GRATEFUL for each of you!!!!
Here is what happened today.
Yesterday, Jocelyn of course did her normal thing of waking up around 2:30-3am and wanted to stay awake with the mission of waking the dead, until nearly 5-6am (which of course was when it was time for mommy to get up). The last several sleepless nights (weeks if I'm honest) finally caught up to me and I felt zapped. I sort of slept until 7am, then reluctantly dragged myself out of bed to see Justin off to work and get things started for the day.
I decided to let Jocelyn sleep until around 8:15am and then woke her up to get started for the day. After all, we had physical therapy in town at 10am so we had to get moving.
Jocelyn and I did our normal routine of giving her 8oz of water in the morning while I simultaneously made her blended meal for the day. Once I had her water infused, it was time for a bath, brushed her body (its a sensory awareness therapy thing), lathered her squishy chunky self in lotion, dressed her, played with her bouncy wet curls, brushed her teeth and then it was time to eat breakfast.
After only giving Jocelyn maybe 4oz of food, I could tell that she was getting ready to vomit. I don't get too worked up because sometimes we have quite a few vomiting spells, then it stops for awhile, and then out of nowhere, it rears its ugly head again. Just when I think I have it all figured out to why she vomits, I suddenly find myself at a lost for why.
Since I could see Jocelyn was about to get sick, I grabbed a towel that I always have nearby, and she of course began heaving. Quickly I started to noticed how violently she was vomiting and couldn't seem to clear the vomit from her throat as easily, which alarmed me right way, but her body finally rejected the meal it obviously did not want.
I've gotten pretty good at this so nothing got on her shirt or chair, and the only thing that was soiled, was the towel. I wiped away whatever else I could see on her mouth and chin, and then the unexpected happened.
The next thing I knew, I found myself saying "Jocelyn, whats wrong baby?" as she instantly had this icy, glazed looked to her eyes that were fixed as stone. I moved to get right in her face and again I said "Baby are you okay?" Right away I started to see a change in Jocelyn's body that I have been fortunate enough to have never seen until now. She lifted both arms out to her side, clinched her fists and then started to turn her hands down and inward. Her whole body tightened in a way that you would expect a bodybuilders to do if they were about to lift weights heavier than they should, and that was when her eyes fluttered up and to the side as her whole upper body started to tremor.
I have never seen anyone have a seizure and I could have went my whole life without seeing one, and especially seeing my babygirl have one. I found myself dumbfounded and wondering what was I truly seeing right in front of me, but the next thing I knew, I had Boogie out of her chair and on the floor with everything away from her.
Jocelyn continued to seize and became unresponsive as I called 911 (through my tears), gave the details and then called Justin at work to tell him to get home NOW!
This was the single worse, most helpless experience, I have ever EVER had. I'm crying now as my brain so clearly replays all the graphic details. If there was ever a feeling of wanting to die -- it was in that moment.
Right as Jocelyn's seizure was starting to end, the first responder ambulance arrived at our house. I found myself updating them on what had happened thus far and yet was in a complete daze. Jocelyn hasn't had seizures since she was in the NICU and the only reason she had those, was because she suffered massive brain hemorrhaging and the all that free blood inside the brain aggravated the tissues which caused seizures. Once the blood cleared, she no longer had seizures and has remained that way until now. When you are a baby (and in her case a micropreemie), seizures are not outwardly expressed like it was today which made me all the more unprepared.
As I watched the first responders, I found myself feeling like I was going to hyperventilate (again, a new experience) and yet at the same time slit their throats since it was obvious they were not prepared to help a 2 year-old. They didn't have any pediatric supplies (so they couldn't even check her oxygen level was which is often really low during or after a seizure in most people) and my mind screamed "What the hell are you here for then!!!!!"
Next thing I knew, a different ambulance arrived and thankfully was what we needed. After the second group performed a quick assessment, they loaded Jocelyn into the back of the ambulance, I jumped in behind them and then we hauled ourselves off to Stormont-Vail in Topeka. It was about 9:40am at this time.
While we were in the ambulance, Jocelyn had a second seizure that last 5 minutes and caused her oxygen levels to briefly dip into the 50's-60's. At this point she was given Versed through her nose (Jocelyn did not yet have an IV site). Once she had the second seizure they decided to high-tail it to the hospital which was absolutely okay with me. On a side note, "high-tailing it" while in the back of an ambulance made this already motion-sickness prone mama even more on edge!
At about 9:55am, we arrive to the ER and again provided the same report of our morning to the staff, and everyone started replacing monitoring probes, attaching wires, hooking up all the machines, drawl blood and fish several times for an IV (let me tell you how unglued I was about to come). At this point Jocelyn was in a deep trance-like state and pretty unresponsive. Then it happened again ...
More versed, a bigger dose this time, was again given down the nose as we still didn't have an IV site.
I maintain a medical care notebook with all Jocelyn's information which includes a million different CDs of her past CT's and MRI's, and so I was able to provide those for the hospital for review (that's a point scored for this organized mamabear!). However, even with having past CT's for comparison, it was difficult for the radiologist to tell whether or not Jocelyn had a shunt failure.
For those of you that don't know, Jocelyn has a right VP shunt and you can read about her shunt, or watch a quick video of a shunt procedure, by clicking HERE which will redirect you to a different blog entry of mine.
As the hours ticked away, so did my patience while we waited and waited and WAITED at the hospital in Topeka. They wanted to perform a nuclear shuntogram (this is where you inject radioactive dye into the shunt) and I told them no way in hell as we've been down this road before and we weren't doing that again. I told them we weren't doing anything remotely like this until they contacted Children's Mercy and talked to either our neurosurgeon or whatever pediatric neurosurgeon that was on-call. I instantly no longer had "friends" at Stormont.
I kept getting the run-around that they couldn't get a hold of anyone from CMH, or that they were waiting for a call back -- blah, blah, blah! I wanted some answers, a game-plan and I wanted it NOW!
I decided I would take it upon myself to get things rolling and I started called the neurosurgery department. I called every 5 minutes and left a message ... over and over and over again. In between those phone calls I started calling the Ophthalmology and Special Care departments in an attempt to have one of those nurses personally contact a nurse from neurosurgery, and then in return, the neurosurgery nurse would actually call me back. Come hell or high-water, someone was going to be calling and helping me.
End result?
I got the Stormont hospital the name and number of the on-call neurosurgeon, and as a "just in-case" kind of thing, I also had the neurosurgeon call Stormont himself.
It of course was decided to not do anything else to Jocelyn and instead, ship her directly to CMH for further evaluation and treatment. The waiting game commenced until we finally got an ambulance to ship Jocelyn out.
The trek from Topeka to CMH is quite a bit longer, so this time Justin rode the hour plus drive in the back of the ambulance, and I followed behind them in the van wishing the entire time that I was the one sitting next to Jocelyn.
Once we arrived to CMH everything instantly was different. They already had surgery prepped and ready if needed, and a whole team was waiting and ready to pounce into action. This is merely one difference between CMH and every other hospital we encounter.
Within 15 minutes of arriving to CMH, the staff had everything they needed accomplished (including the CT evaluated) and the neurosurgeon was already tapping Jocelyn's shunt to check it's pressure and for any possible infection. From the results Dr. Hornig didn't feel like there was a shunt failure or infection, but yet the shunt valve pressure didn't seem to be "strong enough" or functioning quite like it should.
The decision was to take Jocelyn into surgery with the anticipation that only a partial shunt revision would be needed (which meant replacing the shunt valve that is inside the brain), but with the possibility that once they got in there, she may require a full-blown VP shunt surgery (aka terrorize her with pain from the top of her head down to her abdomen).
After what seemed like eternity (although only really 2 hours), Dr. Hornig said he only had to replace the valve and not perform the entire surgery which was a relief after the day we have had. He told us the pressure in the brain was high but not terrible (it was at 18 psi and the pressure inside the body is normally at 15psi), but that we would have to wait and see if this was going to solve our seizure problem. He was also very sweet and apologized for her "bad haircut." I told him I didn't care as long as he made her better and he replied "Well, I hate to do that because she is so darn pretty." Very sweet of him to say and of course made this mama beam even in light of everything.
So here we are, spending the night at CMH ... again. Justin is asleep on the sofa bed and Jocelyn is in her bed/crib on her way to recovering I hope. She has been in quite a bit of pain tonight and she's letting everyone know about it. She is so funny because she's got the "if you touch me one more time I will sock you in your face" look down and isn't afraid to let you know it. She's being a turd because she keeps wanting to rub her head, then of course it hurts, she's ripping off her oxygen cannula, tearing her pulse oximeter off no matter where we put it, trying to pull her IV out and I'm like wait a minute here sister ... where did you come from?? All of these things are very good signs though that I welcome openly.
We will see what tomorrow brings and I pray its no more seizures. I'm sure we will have updates and maybe even some pictures of her gnarly warrior scar to add to the many others she already has.
This has been a day I wish to never go through again!!!
I'm sure its by the grace of God that I got our computer to connect to the Internet right now (seeing how I am sleepless) and able to check my Facebook and blog. I plan to tell you what happened today if I can see through the tears, but first, how did I ever ... EVER ... get so lucky to have each and every one of you in my life. When I opened my Facebook ... ugh ... the hot, stinging tears are just rolling down my face ...
(Let me recollect myself)
When I opened up Facebook, the amount of genuine love, support, encouragement, prayers, sympathy and empathy for my family and I is overwhelming!!! I literally don't know if I have the words (or thoughts) to express to you the difference you have made in my heart tonight ... this morning ... whatever time it is! I sincerely think I felt every well wish, thought and prayer each of you uplifted for my family today. Make no doubt ... I am GRATEFUL for each of you!!!!
Here is what happened today.
Yesterday, Jocelyn of course did her normal thing of waking up around 2:30-3am and wanted to stay awake with the mission of waking the dead, until nearly 5-6am (which of course was when it was time for mommy to get up). The last several sleepless nights (weeks if I'm honest) finally caught up to me and I felt zapped. I sort of slept until 7am, then reluctantly dragged myself out of bed to see Justin off to work and get things started for the day.
I decided to let Jocelyn sleep until around 8:15am and then woke her up to get started for the day. After all, we had physical therapy in town at 10am so we had to get moving.
Jocelyn and I did our normal routine of giving her 8oz of water in the morning while I simultaneously made her blended meal for the day. Once I had her water infused, it was time for a bath, brushed her body (its a sensory awareness therapy thing), lathered her squishy chunky self in lotion, dressed her, played with her bouncy wet curls, brushed her teeth and then it was time to eat breakfast.
After only giving Jocelyn maybe 4oz of food, I could tell that she was getting ready to vomit. I don't get too worked up because sometimes we have quite a few vomiting spells, then it stops for awhile, and then out of nowhere, it rears its ugly head again. Just when I think I have it all figured out to why she vomits, I suddenly find myself at a lost for why.
Since I could see Jocelyn was about to get sick, I grabbed a towel that I always have nearby, and she of course began heaving. Quickly I started to noticed how violently she was vomiting and couldn't seem to clear the vomit from her throat as easily, which alarmed me right way, but her body finally rejected the meal it obviously did not want.
I've gotten pretty good at this so nothing got on her shirt or chair, and the only thing that was soiled, was the towel. I wiped away whatever else I could see on her mouth and chin, and then the unexpected happened.
The next thing I knew, I found myself saying "Jocelyn, whats wrong baby?" as she instantly had this icy, glazed looked to her eyes that were fixed as stone. I moved to get right in her face and again I said "Baby are you okay?" Right away I started to see a change in Jocelyn's body that I have been fortunate enough to have never seen until now. She lifted both arms out to her side, clinched her fists and then started to turn her hands down and inward. Her whole body tightened in a way that you would expect a bodybuilders to do if they were about to lift weights heavier than they should, and that was when her eyes fluttered up and to the side as her whole upper body started to tremor.
I have never seen anyone have a seizure and I could have went my whole life without seeing one, and especially seeing my babygirl have one. I found myself dumbfounded and wondering what was I truly seeing right in front of me, but the next thing I knew, I had Boogie out of her chair and on the floor with everything away from her.
Jocelyn continued to seize and became unresponsive as I called 911 (through my tears), gave the details and then called Justin at work to tell him to get home NOW!
The seizure lasted for 10 minutes.
This was the single worse, most helpless experience, I have ever EVER had. I'm crying now as my brain so clearly replays all the graphic details. If there was ever a feeling of wanting to die -- it was in that moment.
Right as Jocelyn's seizure was starting to end, the first responder ambulance arrived at our house. I found myself updating them on what had happened thus far and yet was in a complete daze. Jocelyn hasn't had seizures since she was in the NICU and the only reason she had those, was because she suffered massive brain hemorrhaging and the all that free blood inside the brain aggravated the tissues which caused seizures. Once the blood cleared, she no longer had seizures and has remained that way until now. When you are a baby (and in her case a micropreemie), seizures are not outwardly expressed like it was today which made me all the more unprepared.
As I watched the first responders, I found myself feeling like I was going to hyperventilate (again, a new experience) and yet at the same time slit their throats since it was obvious they were not prepared to help a 2 year-old. They didn't have any pediatric supplies (so they couldn't even check her oxygen level was which is often really low during or after a seizure in most people) and my mind screamed "What the hell are you here for then!!!!!"
Next thing I knew, a different ambulance arrived and thankfully was what we needed. After the second group performed a quick assessment, they loaded Jocelyn into the back of the ambulance, I jumped in behind them and then we hauled ourselves off to Stormont-Vail in Topeka. It was about 9:40am at this time.
While we were in the ambulance, Jocelyn had a second seizure that last 5 minutes and caused her oxygen levels to briefly dip into the 50's-60's. At this point she was given Versed through her nose (Jocelyn did not yet have an IV site). Once she had the second seizure they decided to high-tail it to the hospital which was absolutely okay with me. On a side note, "high-tailing it" while in the back of an ambulance made this already motion-sickness prone mama even more on edge!
At about 9:55am, we arrive to the ER and again provided the same report of our morning to the staff, and everyone started replacing monitoring probes, attaching wires, hooking up all the machines, drawl blood and fish several times for an IV (let me tell you how unglued I was about to come). At this point Jocelyn was in a deep trance-like state and pretty unresponsive. Then it happened again ...
She had a third seizure -- all in under an hour!
More versed, a bigger dose this time, was again given down the nose as we still didn't have an IV site.
FINALLY -- the seizures stopped!
For the next 6 hours the only thing accomplished during our stay was a fast 30 second CT scan and thoroughly pissing this mama off!! I won't go into everything that happened while we were there (I don't have THAT much energy), but let's just say if critical thinking ... any thinking ... was taking place, the care we received would've been more thorough, effective, safe and all around better. Justin said he was glad he ran home to gather supplies and missed my raging outburst. I don't like to be that way, but get it together or get the hell out of my way!
I maintain a medical care notebook with all Jocelyn's information which includes a million different CDs of her past CT's and MRI's, and so I was able to provide those for the hospital for review (that's a point scored for this organized mamabear!). However, even with having past CT's for comparison, it was difficult for the radiologist to tell whether or not Jocelyn had a shunt failure.
For those of you that don't know, Jocelyn has a right VP shunt and you can read about her shunt, or watch a quick video of a shunt procedure, by clicking HERE which will redirect you to a different blog entry of mine.
As the hours ticked away, so did my patience while we waited and waited and WAITED at the hospital in Topeka. They wanted to perform a nuclear shuntogram (this is where you inject radioactive dye into the shunt) and I told them no way in hell as we've been down this road before and we weren't doing that again. I told them we weren't doing anything remotely like this until they contacted Children's Mercy and talked to either our neurosurgeon or whatever pediatric neurosurgeon that was on-call. I instantly no longer had "friends" at Stormont.
I kept getting the run-around that they couldn't get a hold of anyone from CMH, or that they were waiting for a call back -- blah, blah, blah! I wanted some answers, a game-plan and I wanted it NOW!
I decided I would take it upon myself to get things rolling and I started called the neurosurgery department. I called every 5 minutes and left a message ... over and over and over again. In between those phone calls I started calling the Ophthalmology and Special Care departments in an attempt to have one of those nurses personally contact a nurse from neurosurgery, and then in return, the neurosurgery nurse would actually call me back. Come hell or high-water, someone was going to be calling and helping me.
End result?
I got the Stormont hospital the name and number of the on-call neurosurgeon, and as a "just in-case" kind of thing, I also had the neurosurgeon call Stormont himself.
It worked! When in doubt -- DO IT YOURSELF!!
It of course was decided to not do anything else to Jocelyn and instead, ship her directly to CMH for further evaluation and treatment. The waiting game commenced until we finally got an ambulance to ship Jocelyn out.
The trek from Topeka to CMH is quite a bit longer, so this time Justin rode the hour plus drive in the back of the ambulance, and I followed behind them in the van wishing the entire time that I was the one sitting next to Jocelyn.
Once we arrived to CMH everything instantly was different. They already had surgery prepped and ready if needed, and a whole team was waiting and ready to pounce into action. This is merely one difference between CMH and every other hospital we encounter.
Within 15 minutes of arriving to CMH, the staff had everything they needed accomplished (including the CT evaluated) and the neurosurgeon was already tapping Jocelyn's shunt to check it's pressure and for any possible infection. From the results Dr. Hornig didn't feel like there was a shunt failure or infection, but yet the shunt valve pressure didn't seem to be "strong enough" or functioning quite like it should.
The decision was to take Jocelyn into surgery with the anticipation that only a partial shunt revision would be needed (which meant replacing the shunt valve that is inside the brain), but with the possibility that once they got in there, she may require a full-blown VP shunt surgery (aka terrorize her with pain from the top of her head down to her abdomen).
After what seemed like eternity (although only really 2 hours), Dr. Hornig said he only had to replace the valve and not perform the entire surgery which was a relief after the day we have had. He told us the pressure in the brain was high but not terrible (it was at 18 psi and the pressure inside the body is normally at 15psi), but that we would have to wait and see if this was going to solve our seizure problem. He was also very sweet and apologized for her "bad haircut." I told him I didn't care as long as he made her better and he replied "Well, I hate to do that because she is so darn pretty." Very sweet of him to say and of course made this mama beam even in light of everything.
So here we are, spending the night at CMH ... again. Justin is asleep on the sofa bed and Jocelyn is in her bed/crib on her way to recovering I hope. She has been in quite a bit of pain tonight and she's letting everyone know about it. She is so funny because she's got the "if you touch me one more time I will sock you in your face" look down and isn't afraid to let you know it. She's being a turd because she keeps wanting to rub her head, then of course it hurts, she's ripping off her oxygen cannula, tearing her pulse oximeter off no matter where we put it, trying to pull her IV out and I'm like wait a minute here sister ... where did you come from?? All of these things are very good signs though that I welcome openly.
We will see what tomorrow brings and I pray its no more seizures. I'm sure we will have updates and maybe even some pictures of her gnarly warrior scar to add to the many others she already has.
With every ounce of sincerity that I have, I love you all of you immensely and thank you for supporting us along this ever winding journey that is filled with peaks and valleys!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
YWCA
... or actually is now Berkshire's Great Life Golf & Fitness and they gained a few new members ... US!
Well, at least for a little while anyways! :)
This last Monday our infant child development (TARC) gave us a free, temporary membership to the YWCA (we will have to give back the card once Boogie graduates for the program at three). But uhm, HELLO!!
This means that I can take Jocelyn to get her cardio on during open swim more than once per week. Prior to receiving this membership, we have been using the free open swim time at the Easter Seals Capper Foundation which they so graciously provide every Wednesday from 4-6pm. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to take Jocelyn more often and not have to pay a big membership fee just so she can swim.
Normally Jocie loves the water and its a great way (actually pretty much the only way) she can get her heart rate up on her own (from something else other than crying). So on Monday we had our first swim/therapy session at the pool with our therapist/coach/friend :) and revamped a few of our exercises.
Today, we went again and Jocie was a serious cranky pants crying virtually the whole time. It echos really bad in an indoor pool so that only made my ears what to bleed, and apparently bothered some of the older woman that were finishing up their workout session. They got a workout in, can't we? There is a reason for "adult swim" vs "open swim" ... so that kids and whoever else can come to play and yes, that does mean there's going to be noise people.
So anyways, Jocie was mad about swimming in general and especially when I incorporated a few therapy exercises. This one lady goes out of her way to say "you know, a GOOD mother would see that their child is upset and doesn't want to exercise." Initially I kind of wanted to snatch her by her hair and pull her in and under the water, but instead, I told her "I would advise you to mind your own business" (of course my eyes squinted and then the raised eyebrows came out like "I wish you woooooould say something else"). As we stood there starring at one another (I'm not sure what she expected), I then told her "We're done ... move along" as I motioned her to get away from us with my hand. I wasn't trying to flip the "bitch switch" but geez, you obviously have no idea what you are talking about and definitely do not know our situation. So thanks, but no thanks ... keep whatever wee little motherly advice to yourself. As my friend said today, there is just zero respect these days. I'm sure if you ask her though, I was the disrespectful one!
Yes, Jocelyn was a crabby-patty today, BUT -- I got her sitting on the pool stairs nearly chest deep, ON HER OWN, while simulating a mini tsunami. No joke, after I noticed how stable she was and how well she was accommodating to the little waves and not trying to inhale the water, I upped the ante and got after making her work really hard. You'd be surprised that she actually LIKED that portion of our pool trip. I think she just enjoys watching mama be silly!
Even with the crying, we had a relativity successful therapy/play session and that lady can kiss my butt! If I stopped everytime Jocie balked, then we would never do anything or make any progress. I'm sure Jocelyn was tired ... she's always tired ... for good reason. If you little Ms. Nosey-Pants-Lady had to work hard to see, communicate or move any part of your body -- you'd be exhausted all the time too and not want to do anything. Lucky for Jocelyn, I love her enough to push her to do what she doesn't want to, yet balance that with love and support. I'm not a hard ass all the time!
Towards the end of our swimming session, a big group of older special needs kids and adults joined in the pool. It was actually a nice surprise. I can see why the everyday person might be uncomfortable around people with disabilities. The group was a good mixture of various types of people - one had Down's and a missing leg, another appeared autistic and made a variety of loud, sharp, repetitive noises; another had what seemed like cerebral palsy perhaps and several other types of people. There was one teenager that was very intrigued by us and wanted to stand/swim really, really close to us. I was almost uncomfortable, but he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just kept saying "baby - theres baby" and in return Jocelyn would furrow her brows like "what the heck ... who are you buddy" which then led to laughter when he let out some kind of weird noise.
I'm pretty blessed and today, I'm thankful that my mind and heart have been opened over the last 2 1/2 years, and extremely grateful for generosities like being given a gym pass so little miss ball-of-tears can swim more often!
Well, at least for a little while anyways! :)
This last Monday our infant child development (TARC) gave us a free, temporary membership to the YWCA (we will have to give back the card once Boogie graduates for the program at three). But uhm, HELLO!!
Does that not totally rock???
This means that I can take Jocelyn to get her cardio on during open swim more than once per week. Prior to receiving this membership, we have been using the free open swim time at the Easter Seals Capper Foundation which they so graciously provide every Wednesday from 4-6pm. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to take Jocelyn more often and not have to pay a big membership fee just so she can swim.
Normally Jocie loves the water and its a great way (actually pretty much the only way) she can get her heart rate up on her own (from something else other than crying). So on Monday we had our first swim/therapy session at the pool with our therapist/coach/friend :) and revamped a few of our exercises.
Today, we went again and Jocie was a serious cranky pants crying virtually the whole time. It echos really bad in an indoor pool so that only made my ears what to bleed, and apparently bothered some of the older woman that were finishing up their workout session. They got a workout in, can't we? There is a reason for "adult swim" vs "open swim" ... so that kids and whoever else can come to play and yes, that does mean there's going to be noise people.
So anyways, Jocie was mad about swimming in general and especially when I incorporated a few therapy exercises. This one lady goes out of her way to say "you know, a GOOD mother would see that their child is upset and doesn't want to exercise." Initially I kind of wanted to snatch her by her hair and pull her in and under the water, but instead, I told her "I would advise you to mind your own business" (of course my eyes squinted and then the raised eyebrows came out like "I wish you woooooould say something else"). As we stood there starring at one another (I'm not sure what she expected), I then told her "We're done ... move along" as I motioned her to get away from us with my hand. I wasn't trying to flip the "bitch switch" but geez, you obviously have no idea what you are talking about and definitely do not know our situation. So thanks, but no thanks ... keep whatever wee little motherly advice to yourself. As my friend said today, there is just zero respect these days. I'm sure if you ask her though, I was the disrespectful one!
Yes, Jocelyn was a crabby-patty today, BUT -- I got her sitting on the pool stairs nearly chest deep, ON HER OWN, while simulating a mini tsunami. No joke, after I noticed how stable she was and how well she was accommodating to the little waves and not trying to inhale the water, I upped the ante and got after making her work really hard. You'd be surprised that she actually LIKED that portion of our pool trip. I think she just enjoys watching mama be silly!
Even with the crying, we had a relativity successful therapy/play session and that lady can kiss my butt! If I stopped everytime Jocie balked, then we would never do anything or make any progress. I'm sure Jocelyn was tired ... she's always tired ... for good reason. If you little Ms. Nosey-Pants-Lady had to work hard to see, communicate or move any part of your body -- you'd be exhausted all the time too and not want to do anything. Lucky for Jocelyn, I love her enough to push her to do what she doesn't want to, yet balance that with love and support. I'm not a hard ass all the time!
Towards the end of our swimming session, a big group of older special needs kids and adults joined in the pool. It was actually a nice surprise. I can see why the everyday person might be uncomfortable around people with disabilities. The group was a good mixture of various types of people - one had Down's and a missing leg, another appeared autistic and made a variety of loud, sharp, repetitive noises; another had what seemed like cerebral palsy perhaps and several other types of people. There was one teenager that was very intrigued by us and wanted to stand/swim really, really close to us. I was almost uncomfortable, but he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just kept saying "baby - theres baby" and in return Jocelyn would furrow her brows like "what the heck ... who are you buddy" which then led to laughter when he let out some kind of weird noise.
I'm pretty blessed and today, I'm thankful that my mind and heart have been opened over the last 2 1/2 years, and extremely grateful for generosities like being given a gym pass so little miss ball-of-tears can swim more often!
Election
I wish I was excited and bursting at the seams about the
decision to make Obama our president for another four years, but I’m not, and
there will be no changing of my mind. I haven’t been impressed with the last
four years, and I have a hard time believing anything will “change” for the
better in the preceding four years. The “change” that Obama was pushing in the
last 2008 election has not been a change that I would have liked to have
seen. I for one would have LOVED to have another “businessman” in office
instead of someone who has went to law school -- just feel like that’d give
America a better advantage to take steps to actually REDUCE instead of
continually increasing our ridiculously embarrassing deficit, and maybe even
start to make America a commodity once again! I for one want my American dollar
to mean something now and in the future. Lawyers are savvy with their words and speeches though, so
its easier to make people swoon over them … that’s what they are trained to do!
For those of you that voted for Obama, good for you --- I’m glad we are all allowed to vote for who we want --- that’s one of the good things about our country. However, I always feel like it’s a vote between who is the lesser of two evils ... or maybe I just think this way? Why does it always have to be about Democrat versus Republican? Why can’t it be about what is best for the people with disregard to a specific group? No matter who is in office, I feel like their group party eventually taints “what is best” or “what SHOULD be done” because their “supporters” are the ultimate deterrent.
Sometimes I wonder where these people even come from. Who picked the candidates? The “people” … what “people?” I can sometimes sort of see where they find certain people like Romney for example -- where his father was a businessman and governor, and his mother was a nominee for Senate back in the 70’s -- his family sort of paved the way for him (as with MANY presidential candidates). Yet when Obama came into the picture in 2008, I was like who is this guy and where did he come from? Although I know people found him exciting, refreshing and different -- those are the very things that make me leery of a person.
I don’t care about a persons race or what their religious affiliation is -- it doesn’t make them a good presidential candidate or more importantly, a person with true convictions for their fellow neighbor and with the nation’s best interest in mind. I hate that so many things come down to race and religion. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard during this election season about “It’s a black thing” or “It’s a Christian vs Mormon thing” … are we really no further progressed as people and a nation. Get over it already!! Perhaps these are the very things you believe to be of importance and what completely defines a person, but I’m more of a “let's go off of what a person does or has done.”
For those of you that voted for Obama, good for you --- I’m glad we are all allowed to vote for who we want --- that’s one of the good things about our country. However, I always feel like it’s a vote between who is the lesser of two evils ... or maybe I just think this way? Why does it always have to be about Democrat versus Republican? Why can’t it be about what is best for the people with disregard to a specific group? No matter who is in office, I feel like their group party eventually taints “what is best” or “what SHOULD be done” because their “supporters” are the ultimate deterrent.
Sometimes I wonder where these people even come from. Who picked the candidates? The “people” … what “people?” I can sometimes sort of see where they find certain people like Romney for example -- where his father was a businessman and governor, and his mother was a nominee for Senate back in the 70’s -- his family sort of paved the way for him (as with MANY presidential candidates). Yet when Obama came into the picture in 2008, I was like who is this guy and where did he come from? Although I know people found him exciting, refreshing and different -- those are the very things that make me leery of a person.
I don’t care about a persons race or what their religious affiliation is -- it doesn’t make them a good presidential candidate or more importantly, a person with true convictions for their fellow neighbor and with the nation’s best interest in mind. I hate that so many things come down to race and religion. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard during this election season about “It’s a black thing” or “It’s a Christian vs Mormon thing” … are we really no further progressed as people and a nation. Get over it already!! Perhaps these are the very things you believe to be of importance and what completely defines a person, but I’m more of a “let's go off of what a person does or has done.”
Everyone has their own reasons for voting a certain way and
it will always be that way. I cringe when I hear or read of people saying “I
hope I haven’t lost any friends over this election” or “they just don’t want
the black man in office” or the other million irritating things that come
across the board. Really? If you loose a friend, or if you’re the person that
is deciding to let go of a friendship over election issues, then it wasn’t a
friendship to start with. I surely wouldn’t want or need a “friend” (or
family-member) that would be that willing to let go of a relationship so
easily. So if that is, or has happened to you, you are better off. And if you
are the person that thinks it’s a black vs white (or insert whatever race),
then you are the most shallow, pathetic person that I don’t really want or need
in my life.
You hear so many people barking for tolerance, yet those are
the very people that don’t possess an ounce of it! I have both tolerance and
acceptance, but I don’t have those attributes for people who don’t want to help
themselves, for those who WANT a government to do everything for them, to bail
them out, to make it easy to not work, to take (almost virtually steal) from
me, who makes its nearly impossible to be successful, who wants to control
everything I do, who makes my life more difficult, puts my husband in danger because they
think it’s a good idea to downsize the military and take away what keeps them
safe yet still put them in the same dangerous situations …
I love and appreciate true democracy and want to KEEP IT,
yet I feel like we are venturing more towards socialism and so many seem okay
with that.
I find it a struggle trying to understand how a person decides
to re-elect a president that so boldly lied about the attack and slaughtering
of Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Libya, and so easily turns his back on the
thousands of people who are suffering from hurricane Sandy. I would have gained
a tremendous amount of respect for President Obama if he would have shown
concern and took action towards these things rather than be so consumed about
getting re-elected!
I’m sure there are lots of things each president has done
during their term(s) in office that I wouldn’t ever want to know about as I'm sure it would be both disappointing and disgusting in my eyes. I’m sure if we knew all the
dirty little details of things, we would all despise our presidents. For me,
its just when you do hear of such things, and they are public especially during
a time of election, it just makes me all the more sick to my stomach. I keep thinking “what if that was my husband that was in Libya Sandy
Lord knows nothing will be accomplished if we spend time
being angry and hateful about how elections have turned out (that’s unless you
wanted Obama of course). Part of me doesn’t know if I really “wanted” Romney as
much as I didn’t want Obama again. I’m not going to bash Obama and rage against
him … I just don’t feel he is what America
Soon this whole election will blow over, people will begin to
accept (but many will not approve) that we have the same president for another
four years, and life will resume to people complaining about the same things we
would no matter who was president:
Economy
Medical Care
National Defense
Natural Resources and Gas Prices
Unemployment
… shall I continue?
Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice
Gay Marriage
Foreign Policies
... and so many more issues that will never be "resolved."
These issues and many more, will always
be unresolved. We will just have to hope that we make positive strides in these
areas, in our own lives and those we love.
Who knows, maybe this time around we can make some positive “change”…???
Here’s to hoping anyways.
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