Revelation of the Heart

Yesterday, through the mounds of tears, I had a true revelation of my heart.

It's probably been a long time coming and I'm not one (I don't think so anyways) to just spat out everything I'm thinking and feeling in regards to me and my life (not the deep down stuff anyways), but I know if I don't write this out and be honest, I will be able to cover my heart with false lies, justifications or simply not entertain what my soul is trying to tell me.

I was cozy in the recliner watching an episode of LifeCoach on the OWN channel (first time I watched this show) while Jocelyn slept peacefully on me. Truthfully, I was hoping it would be so boring that I too would fall asleep. Wrong answer. Instead, I found myself crying nearly uncontrollably about the reality of how I felt about our situation ... my life ... my future.

There is no doubt that Jocelyn is my world, my love, my life. I have never known love like the love I have for our baby girl. She is nothing short of miraculous! Even though I would give everything for her, it comes with a price. In a sense, I feel like I have given everything for her ... my entire life. In some form or another, all parents sacrifice their "old" or "future" life. Sometimes the reality of the sacrifice being given can harbour some sadness or even resentment. Your ideal life, and the reality of your true life, often doesn't match up. When you feel like there are more withdrawals from your life than the deposits you receive, its difficult to keep giving ... keep pushing forward ... and right now, the withdrawals in my life far out weight the deposits.

There is so much fear in my heart when it comes to Jocelyn. Sometimes I fear that we will lose her far too early and yet other times my fear shifts to her out-living us. That is what is suppose to happen ... children are suppose to out-live their parents. In our case though, I fear what that could mean for Jocelyn. You see, I'm looking at her right now, with all the "needs" she has, and trying to project what things will look like in the future, yet I truly have no idea. What I have to go off of is the fact that I can guess what they would look like if we can't seem to move forward or progress.

When Jocelyn was first born, I think Justin and I were consumed with fear ... so much was unknown. Life is always like that though isn't it? But once we were able to bring our angel home, we felt peace and hope. That first year of her life was definitely a honeymoon phase for us. We were ecstatic to have her home, waking up to her each day, falling asleep knowing she was with us, that she was eating, thriving and happy. As the additional weeks, months and year have carried on, that honeymoon phase has somewhat worn off. What I mean by that, is that reality has set in more. The reality that Jocelyn has far greater problems than you can possibly foresee in the beginning. I sometimes will say "it only takes one choking experience ... or a car wreck ... and anyone could be in this situation." Although true, I think sometimes I say these things to remind myself that this really could happen to anyone, like I need to hear that or something, that there are no guarantees, but in reality, it does not bring much comfort.

We've always been a step ahead of the game when its came to getting Jocelyn the diagnoses needed so we could get the necessary therapies and equipment to help her succeed. We quickly accepted her diagnosis on paper, jumped right in with routine therapy sessions, learned all we could, etc. But what didn't happen, was being able to step back and truly SEE the situation and how our life as individuals, as a couple, as a family ... would be so different than the typical family.

This is when fear easily swoops in like a thief in the night to rob you from anything good you are holding onto.

I have realized that by holding on to the fear, I will never ... NEVER ... be able to move forward as a mother, wife and an individual. Fear is so paralyzing, a stripper of joy and happiness, and a deceitful liar! God made us to be warriors and victorious!!

I am ashamed to admit that at times I wish I could just run away from it all ... pretend we didn't have all these problems and such a hard, different life. That I could pretend this was not my life. Sounds horrible doesn't it? But I think there are many that feel this way too but the guilt of feeling this way is often more than we want to share with anyone. Who wants to feel judged in your most raw moments ... no one. How can you love your husband and daughter SO MUCH and still think such things? Then something occurred to me. Sometimes it is our past that also makes us fearful.

You see, I think I feel even more remorse for having feelings like this at times because this is exactly what my birth mother did to me, my brothers and father. The fact that she was able to walk away from her family and never look back is proof that a person can do that. Does she feel remorse and pain? Perhaps. I thought a long time ago I had forgiven her but I don't think I have. I have always said "I forgive her but still want nothing to do with her." The reality is that I have the ability to forget and I think I've always viewed that as forgiveness. I have come to the conclusion that this is often the reason I can "get over things" so easily ... I just don't think about them ... or ... simply forget. But forgetting and forgiving are two totally different things. I'm fearful that I will become just the same terrible, awful mother that she was to me. Despite that I was given a spectacular mother to raise me and set the example I needed, something deep down feels like I've inherited my birth mother's bad traits, like they have been infused into me, so I fight those bad thoughts I have even more instead of facing them head on and not being ashamed.

In my heart and mind, I know that I am a great mother to Jocelyn, but your feelings can be deceiving. I've decided that since I've realized that feelings come and go so easily, I will demand my feelings to obey my heart and mind. No longer will I be a slave to fleeting emotions because they come and go in an instant, and they will not dictate the way I act and respond. I don't have to "feel" a certain way to know the truth of my heart. My "self-talk" will be one of truthfulness and positivity. I might not always be able to control how I feel, but I can chose how I self-talk.

I was sharing with Justin that until yesterday I didn't realize that I was sad and maybe disappointed that we would not be having any further children. There was a time in my life when I never wanted kids, but that was before meeting Justin. In the early stages when I was pregnant with Jocelyn, I remember thinking "yep, can't wait to do this at least another 2 or 3 more times." Don't get me wrong, Justin and I could have more children, but we won't, as we both feel it would take so much away from what is necessary to give to Jocelyn. She might love having a brother or sister, but we are not prepared to add another child into our family. We feel like it'd just be too much.

Even though I was brought to tears yesterday, it was good for the soul and I was actually able to put thoughts and words to what has been eating away at me, which something I haven't been able to do for quite some time. Sometimes its really difficult to know what is going on inside you, why you think a certain way or respond things.

I hope no matter what all of you are going through, that you truly do know that others have been there, and realize that there are others that have already pushed past that storm to the other side. I've realized that I am trying to reap and sow at the same time. I want to see the pay off for all the effort that I am putting into Jocelyn NOW!!

What's that saying "we want to eat our supper for breakfast?" Meaning, we often want now what is meant for at the end of our lives. If we have what is meant for the end of our lives now, what will be have at the end? I will continue to sow in our daughter, my husband, my family and friends because I believe the harvest will be plentiful. Sometimes its hard to believe that, but I know the promise God has given me ... given us!